I'm Batman......

So my husband's cousins M and L were at the lake this last August long weekend,and offered us their paddle boards to try.
Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with this item of sports equipment,its kind of like a surfboard,same shape and relatively same length.
( I wouldn't really know,as I have only seen a surfboard in a cartoon)

The idea is that you kneel, sit or stand on the board, and paddle yourself around for fun. It sounds really familiar, like I have heard stories of this before but can't remember where.....

Anyway, not necessarily MY idea of fun,
 (perhaps if there were some oiled up beefcake with an ice cream sundae waiting to paddle me around, we'd be in business) but in keeping up with the idea of trying new things to stay fit and on track, I was game.

The other and more obvious reason to try it out, was that I wanted to beat Mike at it.
I am super competitive, and terribly stubborn.
I like to be the best.
Or at least very competent at it, and usually on the first try, or I give up.
Just ask my needlepoint, knitting and oil painting sitting neglected in my closet.

So armed with this giant slab of plastic, my oar, my husband and my determination to be amazing at this paddle boarding thing, we set out to the beach at Sylvan lake.

Being the cocky SOB I normally am, I tried to stand on the board as soon as it hit the water. Made it 2 inches before I fell off. But there was a big wave from a douche on a power boat,so not my fault.
Clearly I was sabotaged.

Once we were in deeper water, both Mike and I tried to mount the boards. There is a trick to this, being that the water has to be high enough to keep the board at waist level, any higher and your center of gravity is fucked and you cant get out of the water. Took me 3 attempts before I learnt this lesson.

The other thing I will mention before continuing is my swimsuit. I have had the bottoms since 2010, so the elastic is shot. That coupled with my weight loss made them a bit baggy. The top I had bought when I was still breastfeeding, and had quite a bit of baby weight still attached. So also, very baggy. This will be an important point later on in the story.

Getting on the board is kind of like getting out of a pool, if the pool deck was constantly moving and only 2 feet wide. I felt a bit like a walrus, flopping on an iceberg. Something about this also sounds familiar......

While I was getting bucked off the board like a drunk cowboy at a rodeo, Mike gets to the standing position. How did this happen?! I am immediately satisfied with the universe when he takes a huge header in to the lake.

(Don't get all bent outta shape, I made sure he was okay before I celebrated the fall.)

I manage to finally make it on to the board, only to slide off the other side.
I got back on it, only to capsize the whole thing.
Back on, d-bag comes back and wave knocks me over.
Back on, but my bare ass is hanging out, my husband kindly informs me.
(at least it was facing him, not the small crowd that has gathered on the beach to watch this fiasco)
Back on, top of swimsuit catches the grips on the board and my tits almost come tumbling out, facing the crowd this time.
Back on, face plant into the water as soon as I try to kneel.
Back on, made it to kneel!!

I took a small rest at this point, as pulling yourself out of the water a few times is enough to turn anyone's arms to pool noodles.

Mike has given up trying to stand, and instead sits and paddles himself around the buoys, his legs dangling over the sides of the board. What is it about that pose that is so familiar....

Got it.
Shark Week.
That's where I have seen these shark buffet boards before!
These boards are what almost every shark attack victim I have ever seen on shark week was riding at the time of attack!!
From below,with your legs dangling over the edge of the board, sharks think you are a seal, or a walrus.
Like me, flopping and thrashing in the water, trying to get back on the board.
 I would have for sure looked like a distressed seal. And lunch.

Now I am sitting in the board, legs drawn up, wielding my oar like a light sabre against imaginary sharks in a freshwater lake in the middle of a landlocked province.
 Mike, once I explained what the hell I was doing, and he stops laughing at his crazy wife, starts to hum the Jaws theme song. Asshole.

(For the record I know that there are no sharks in Sylvan Lake. I have just watched a shitload of Shark week and got a little paranoid for a minute.)

Now I am really determined to show the husband who is boss, so I try to pop up on the board, which according to the episode of My Pet Monster where they go to the surfing competition, is when you try to quickly stand on the board.

I get to a strange version of downward dog, with my ass up in the air, swim bottoms barely clinging to my flat ass, and my hands on the board in front of me.
I am stuck, and I think my left nipple may be hanging out. Fuck.

My cousin had told me that people get so good at paddle boarding that they even do yoga on them.
Minus the stuck part, I have the yoga part nailed.
I just knew I'd be great at this.

I manage to slide my hands up my legs, now it looks like I am just catching my breath on the board.
Just as I try to fully stand, back into the water I go.

The crowd on the sidewalk overlooking the lake is surely laughing at me, but they are so far away I cant hear them. I'll show them, I'll show EVERYONE!!.

Every time I fall off the board, I can hear Michael Caine from Batman Begins. "Why do we fall Master Wayne? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
I will do this.
I will do this.
I AM BATMAN!!!

I have now been in and out of the water over 25 times, trying to stand on this board. I haven't even got to the paddling part yet.
Mike leaves me in the water, as hes tired and wants to go back to see our son.

I tell him I will be in as soon as I get this thing under my belt. He just nods and says "I know. Be careful."
 Wouldn't you know it, as soon as he leaves the water, I stand up on the board.

I raise my arms like Rocky Balboa and the six random people on the shore start cheering and clapping, including my husband.
I get cocky again, by trying to get the paddle in the water, and the worlds biggest belly flop happens.

After an hour or so at this paddle boarding thing, I have it down. I even got the paddle in the water, while standing on the board, and forward motion was achieved.
And I did it before Mike.

Mission accomplished.