Pour some sugar on me

So I am usually up to try anything once. Especially when it comes to food. 

Hence my voluptuous figure.

But I am also pretty open to trying new things to get in shape...or fulfill a lifelong dream.

So when my friend SA reminded me that we were to go to a Stagette where the beginning of the night started at a pole dancing class, I could barely contain my excitement.

Who hasn't done a little "Striptease" dance in their bathroom?

Or while raking the leaves in the back yard while your two sets of elderly neighbors likely watched you try to do a spin on the handle, landing face first and scraping the hell out of your elbows?

Super common right?

We show up to this little hold in the wall, which is nestled in the middle of an office building. Imagine all the dentists and psychiatrists spinning around the poles like demented tops on their lunch hours, going back to their normal lives a bit sweaty and with the knowledge that they had just shown an industrial pole who was their Bitch.

Luckily I didn't have to come face to face with any wanna be dental strippers, but I had some pretty awesome jokes prepped in case.

When I said it was nestled, what I meant to say was that it was jammed between a daycare and a dental office, in what looked to be perhaps a converted storage locker. 

Don't get me wrong, it was a nice storage locker.

I mean, how can you not be classy looking with 8 stripper poles facing a wall of mirrors lining the entire room?

You can't, that shit is brilliant.

Cheap on rent too I'd wager.

So this Stag was for our friend B, who happens to be a nurse. She has a lot of nurse friends, most of which were with us that night.

It made the meet and greet like a game of career duck duck goose.

Nurse

Nurse

Nurse

Nurse

Nurse

Fleet manager!! (That's me)

I was really considering fucking with these pretty little nurses and telling them I masturbate bulls for a living or something, but frankly I am still repressing some of my memories from living with Farm Boy, the first husband. 

For the record I only saw a bull being masturbated. 

I did however impregnate a few cows.

Which sounds really terrible to anyone who has not lived on a farm.

Or is from one of those countries....you know what I'm talking about. 

The other crummy thing about this group, besides not being as awesomely hilarious as I think I am, was that they were....lets say, curve deficient.

Now I am not as chesty as I was when I wrote taming the Sweater meat, but my friends still steal my bra and wear it as a hat whenever we go hot tubbing, so I get by in the booby department.

SA, while she did lose a lot of weight, is still my soul food sister, and doesn't judge me when I dip my fries in pretty much everything when we go out to eat.

I'm pretty sure we could have bench pressed these girls no problem.

But I don't give two shits about them. 

See I have always secretly wanted to be a pole dancer.

Not a stripper per Se, but to have the audience captivated by me as I showed my strength around the pole.

Dancers are powerful creatures, and I'm not just talking about the mud flaps in your face or the terrible porno things they're sometimes encouraged to do.  

I worked in a deli across from the one good bar in my little town, and the dancers used to come over to buy themselves dinner for between the shows that night.

When you prepare someones coffee or food and treat them like a human, not a piece of ass, they open up to you. 

One of these girls was just ripped.

I'm sure she opened walnuts on her triceps, total gun show.
She'd just had a baby 5 months prior and was back on the circuit dancing already.
She invited me to come and watch her perform, and not one to turn down a free beer, I went.

I can barely do a pull up and  she was twirling around this pole like she was walking on thin air, which she did at the end come to think about it.

Legs out, arms spread and hanging on to the bar with not much more than her thighs, I was mesmerized.

I didn't watch the end of the show, because in Hanna there was a lot of nasty rig pigs who were not as nice to this strong woman as they should have been.

Plus it would have been awkward for me to make her a roast beef sandwich the next day having seen her roast beef flapping in the wind the night before.

Her boobs were amazing, on a side note. 

Top shelf. (ha ha ha!!) 

She let me touch them, really quality plastic surgery.

You couldn't even tell they were fake on stage either, so you know they were some quality tits.

Anyways, I've always wanted to take a crack at this, but I'm stuck in a class of stick figure nurses who are silently judging me and my last 10 years of poor food choices.

What is a busty brunette to do you ask?

I worked the hell out of that pole is what I did.

It does sort of lose the sex appeal when you are so fucking happy that you are laughing like a loon and smiling so fucking hard your cheeks feel like splitting.

But fuck did I feel amazing. 

Some of the moves were a bit tricky for a lady of my girth,I will admit.

For instance the bum roll against the pole had to have me with my legs spread even wider than the pre-teens in the class. 

(which made mine look even sexier if I do say so myself.)

The drop it like its hot move escaped me totally. 

I dropped it alright, but I had a hell of a time picking that sucker back up again.

But since you are down on the ground, you end up laying there and writhing around, slapping your ass and holding the pole so you don't slip on tears or something. 

The girl taught us how to swing around the pole with just our leg and one arm, as well as the full on run and jump and swing move you always see on movies and TV.

Rest assured those poles are exceptionally well secured and appropriate for all weight classes, 'cause I rode it like I fucking owned it.

At the end of the class, the instructor turned the lights down low, and got us into two groups. 

Having been separated from SA the whole lesson, I snuck into her section and we were ready to do our little routine.

When she asked the first group what song we wanted to dance to, SA and looked at each other, smiled our wicked smiles and screamed over all the skinny nursey chicks....

DEF LEPPARD!!!!

I'm positive that half of them had zero idea who Def Leppard is, if the look of complete confusion was any indication.

The instructor had obviously had this request before, because she didn't even ask us the song we wanted before cueing up "Pour some sugar on me". 

So fucking awesome.

I can honestly say I have not been that happy in a long long time. 

Sure we all say we are happy, but when you are working your curvy ass in front of a wall of mirrors, with 7 other girls all basically sexing their reflections up, listening to the ultimate pole dancing fantasy song, you have made it in life.

Just needed an ice cream sundae and a back rub from Michael Chiklis and I would die a happy woman.

My cheeks hurt from smiling, my belly hurt from laughing and I was sweating from the workout, as well as how drop dead hot I looked wrapped on that pole. 

Big tits and all.